Conversations with Babies

The Secret Superpower of Parenting

I’ll admit, when my wife used to have full-on conversations with our babies many moons ago, I found it both adorable and hilarious. There she was, crouched over the buggy, saying things like, “Oh, you’re upset because your toy fell? Let me help you”; and when our second child was excelling at the fake cry thing babies do to see if we’re paying attention, she would smirk and say, “Nice try, buddy. You just want to be picked up, don’t you?” And she was always right! Somehow, she could tell when they were genuinely distressed and when they were just testing the waters. At the time, I thought it was just her mom instincts and a lot of imagination. Now, with our kids in their teens and able to articulate their feelings better than most adults, I realize she was doing something extraordinary.

What my wife was practicing, without ever naming it, is something researchers call "mind-mindedness." By treating our babies like they had an internal world full of thoughts and emotions, even before they could speak, she gave them the tools to understand themselves and communicate with others. It wasn’t just cute, it was a powerful parenting superpower that I now believe shaped who they are today. Let me tell you why this is important and how you can do it too – Its never too late.

What Is Mind-Mindedness?

In the early years, a baby’s brain is like a super sponge, forming pathways that shape how they think, feel, and connect for the rest of their life. Mind-mindedness strengthens these pathways by teaching babies that their feelings are valid and their communication matters. This, in turn, helps them build trust in their caregivers and confidence in expressing themselves.

Mind-mindedness refers to a caregiver's ability to perceive and respond to their baby as an individual with their own thoughts, feelings, and desires. It’s the practice of recognizing that a baby is not just reacting instinctively to their environment but is a person with an inner world that influences their behaviour (sounds bonkers but hear me out). This concept emphasizes understanding and appropriately interpreting a child’s cues, such as cries, gestures, or expressions, as intentional attempts to communicate. For example, a mother practicing mind-mindedness might see her baby looking at a toy and say, “Oh, you’re interested in the toy!” rather than assuming the baby is simply staring randomly. Similarly, if the baby is crying, a mind-minded caregiver might think, “Are you upset because you’re hungry or tired?” instead of only reacting to stop the crying, by picking them up and shushing them.

Mind-mindedness is measured by observing how caregivers talk to and about their child. Appropriate "mind-related" comments reflect an accurate understanding of the child’s internal state, while "non-attuned" comments show misinterpretation or misunderstanding. Mind-mindedness is significant because it helps build secure attachment between a parent and child. Through consistent, thoughtful responses, the baby learns to trust the caregiver, recognize their own emotions, and eventually manage them. This practice is also linked to long-term benefits, such as better emotional regulation, empathy, and social skills as the child grows.

But Is This Grounded in Science?

Research shows that this practice isn’t just nice, it may be transformative. A recent study found that parents who frequently used mind-minded comments during interactions with their babies had children with higher levels of oxytocin, the bonding hormone. This hormone not only helps babies feel secure but also supports their ability to form relationships and regulate emotions later in life:

This signals the existence of a dynamic, two-way process between mothers and infants that revolves around oxytocin (or OT for short). On one side, maternal oxytocin fosters changes in the mother’s brain and body that enhance her care-giving instincts. These changes increase her sensitivity to her baby’s subtle social cues, like a shift in gaze, a coo, or even a cry. Oxytocin essentially primes her to respond to her infant’s needs with nurturing behaviours, such as making soothing sounds, maintaining eye contact, or providing physical comfort.

On the other side of this interaction, when the mother provides responsive caregiving—offering consistent, attuned responses to her baby’s cues—it triggers a release of oxytocin in the baby as well. This heightened oxytocin in the infant does more than just create a sense of calm and security; it actively promotes the baby’s social orientation. In other words, oxytocin helps the baby become more engaged in social interactions, fostering an interest in connecting with others and building the foundational skills needed for communication and relationships.

This two-way process creates a positive feedback loop: the mother’s sensitivity strengthens her baby’s social orientation, which, in turn, further engages the mother and enhances her care-giving responses. Over time, this reciprocal interaction not only deepens the emotional bond between mother and child but also supports the child’s development of empathy, trust, and social skills. It’s a beautiful example of how biology and behaviour work hand in hand to shape the parent-child relationship and the infant’s capacity to thrive emotionally and socially.

In a recent study, researchers have discovered that such mindful care-giving plays a crucial role in fostering secure bonds and supporting the baby’s brain and emotional growth. This study delves into how a mother’s ability to recognize and respond to her baby’s needs connects to oxytocin—a hormone linked to bonding—and how postnatal depression can impact these processes.

What Did The Study Show?

The study involved 62 mothers and their infants aged between three and nine months. It found that when mothers used appropriate, thoughtful responses to their babies, their infants showed higher levels of oxytocin. The study revealed that this connection wasn’t just one-sided; babies’ increased oxytocin levels also seemed to enhance their engagement, creating a positive feedback loop between mother and child. The researchers noticed a trend: mothers experiencing symptoms of postnatal depression tended to make fewer of these nurturing, mind-related comments. Although they still engaged with their babies, the quality of their responses was less attuned. This suggests that maternal mental health can influence how connected and secure a baby feels during interactions.

The study emphasized that it’s never too late to improve this bond, and even small changes in how a parent interacts can make a big difference. What makes this study stand out is how it highlights the profound connection between maternal behaviours, infant development, and emotional well-being. The researchers suggest that the quality of a parent’s interactions with their baby can even shape the baby’s biological processes, like Oxycontin regulation. They also emphasize the importance of supporting parents, especially those experiencing depression, to foster stronger bonds with their babies. This study sheds light on how powerful simple, mindful interactions can be. For parents, it’s a reminder that every smile, word, and response matters. By being present and attuned to their baby’s needs, parents are not only nurturing their child’s emotional security but also contributing to their lifelong ability to connect, empathize, and thrive.

Lindley Baron-Cohen, K, et al. (2024). Maternal mind-mindedness and infant oxytocin are interrelated and negatively associated with postnatal depression. Development and Psychopathology, 1–12.

How You Can Practice Mind-Mindedness

Here are simple ways to connect with your baby in meaningful, mind-minded ways that shape their development:

1. Talk to Them Like They’re a Tiny Adult
   Babies may not understand your words, but they understand your tone and intention. Instead of just reacting to their needs, narrate their feelings. “Are you sad because you dropped your teddy?” shows them that you’re paying attention to their emotional world.

2. Engage in Back-and-Forth Chats
   When your baby coos or babbles, respond! If they make a sound, answer with, “Oh really? Tell me more!” It may feel silly, but this teaches them the basics of conversation: turn-taking and feeling heard, so make sure you pause to allow them to have their turn!

3. Validate Their Feelings (Even the Faked Ones)
   My wife had a knack for this. When one of our kids pulled out a fake cry, she’d playfully call them out. “Oh, that’s a performance worthy of an Oscar!” She’d still pick them up, but the interaction became a moment of connection and understanding.

4. Narrate the World
   Use everyday moments to teach them about emotions and actions. “We’re putting on your socks. One foot, then the other!” connects words to feelings and actions, expanding their understanding.

5. Play and Be Present
   Peek-a-boo, reading board books, and singing silly songs aren’t just for fun—they build trust and teach emotional expression. These playful interactions are how babies learn that communication is joyful and rewarding.

Why This Matters

Mind-mindedness isn’t just about making your baby feel loved (though that’s a big part of it). It’s about giving them the tools to understand themselves and connect with the world. Babies who experience consistent, nurturing responses grow into children who are more emotionally secure, socially confident, and resilient. And for parents who might be struggling, such as those dealing with postnatal depression, the study offers hope. Even small, intentional changes in how you interact with your baby can make a big difference. The love you show through these simple acts helps lay the foundation for their future.

Looking Ahead

I used to laugh at my wife’s endless conversations with our babies. Now, seeing our teenagers navigate friendships, articulate their feelings, and empathize with others, I realize she was onto something. Those early chats, those silly games, and even those moments of calling out fake cries—they weren’t just cute. They were the seeds of connection, trust, and understanding. So, the next time your baby babbles, coos, or even cries for no reason, lean in. Talk to them, listen to them, and show them you understand their world. It might just be the most powerful thing you do as a parent.